This is my testimony of how, at 43, I became someone who follows Jesus. If you are agnostic, atheist, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or subscribe to any other theology, and choose to read on, I love you and thank you for giving me this chance to share my story. It is my hope that anyone who reads this will find something in my words that speak of the truth of our shared humanity and common cares. And if you are active in the New Age right now, or know someone who is, then you are especially close to my heart for reasons you'll soon see, so I hope you’ll read on with an open heart and open eyes.
Three years ago I was wrong, and getting more wrong by the minute. I was surviving on a heady mixture of fear, self-hatred, ignorance, and pride, and it was taking me to terrible places. My focus was inward, on my very old wounds, on my wants, and on how to help myself into something better. And I was going to save myself if it killed me. I needed healing. Relational. Emotional. Physical. Mental. Spiritual. I felt the need for change. I had already tried changing things. I changed jobs every 2-3 years. I had changed my “station” in life, or so I thought, by educating myself into ridiculous debt. I changed the state in which I lived and then changed the city. I changed my hair, my clothes, and what I ate. If it was in my power to change it, I changed it. Yet that feeling inside of me, that inner-knowing that things were wrong, the fear, and the confusion, only grew. I read countless self-help books, met with counselors, and took workshops from life coaches. In truth, the more I looked inward, the more focused I became on me. And you know what they say. No matter where you go, there you are. There I was, and I was miserable.
In the three years leading up to this time, in mid-2010, I’d reconnected with a person who I will describe as spiritually “open.” This person connected me with a very spiritually open church, with yoga, and with other people involved in all manner of New Age practices. Now, before you think I’m trying to pass myself off as being somehow unaware of the New Age before 2010, I’m absolutely not. I was well aware. I mean, I’m from Eugene. I grew up around a plurality of “theologies” that were not based on Jesus, Judaism, or Islam. I had even dabbled in New Age practices of various kinds throughout my twenties but felt more confused by them than committed to them.
But in 2010, in the interest of changing my life, in seeking something “better”, in wishing to feel I had more power over my circumstances, and in searching out belonging, I sank my teeth into the New Age. I engaged in divination (tarot, runes, angel cards, animal oracle cards, pendulums, etc.) and sought divination from others. I bought and “worked with” all manner of crystals. I used chakra sprays and engaged in chakra meditations. And more and more, I started inviting the unseen (ancestor guides, spirit guides, “angels”) into my life. I listened to CDs by Eckhart Tolle. In truth, I became addicted to those CDs. My anxiety was so severe that I depended on listening to Eckhart Tolle’s hypnotic voice to get to sleep at night. I played The Power of Now and A New Earth while commuting to work. I would tell myself that all of these things were helping me. That I was feeling stronger. That I was gaining mastery over my situation. New Age, among other things, is all about human potential, self-enlightenment, and self-empowerment. But I was telling myself a lie. The more I became reliant on inviting unseen things into my life, the more I sought my own god/dess within, the more anxious and unbalanced I felt. But I was prideful. I was stubborn. I was ignorant. And I believed I could help myself.
So there I was, in the second half of 2015, up to my ears in New Age practices, barely sleeping for anxiety, seeking healing, power, and let’s be honest, personal perfection, from all of my crystals, cards, “energy healings,” chakra meditations, and potions of various sorts. I thought I was getting “better.” I thought I was expanding. Ascending. Surely, my efforts were leading me somewhere good. Somewhere higher. Right? But ask anyone who was around me during that time. I was going somewhere, alright. And it was not good. Things I could not explain were beginning to happen to me. Dark things. Scary things. Only my ego and confusion seemed to be expanding. And the people closest to me were concerned. I left all of my spiritual doors open and a lot of darkness accepted the invitation.
And through all that I was doing, I actually believed that I was living in cooperation with God and His angels. I thought I was “right” and even “righteous.” I was a “good” person. “Nice.” But that was a deception. I was deceiving myself and I was being deceived. If I had bothered to open a Bible I would have seen some things I really needed to see. For starters, I would have seen that Satan is referred to as the “deceiver” (Rev. 12:9) and the “father of lies,” (John 8:44) who ultimately seeks to "steal and to kill and to destroy" (John 10:10) each one of us. I would have seen that there was a war in Heaven and that Lucifer (Satan) was once an angel. He took 1/3 of God’s angels with him when he was judged and cast down. So the next time someone you know tells you they “talk to angels,” you might want to ask them, “really, which ones?” If those angels aren’t talking about Jesus, they’re not the ones you want to be talking to. I have lived this. I know this to be true.
The one upside to me leaving all spiritual doors open is that I also left the door open to God. In my desperation to right an upturned and out of control life, I started to pray with my grandmother, a woman who loves God. For protection. For peace. I still wasn’t really acknowledging God, but I know He was listening to our shared prayers. That summer I also found myself tuning in to Christian music on the radio. It lifted me up when other music felt like it was tearing me down. In my car, the signal for the area K-LOVE station was almost always strong. Things in my life and my health, in general, continued to spiral downward, and while my heart was hard to God, I left that door open to Him, and He was working on me. So when things got so dark that I began to hear things I couldn’t explain, and the spiritual overwhelm and exhaustion finally overcame me physically, culminating with me being transported to the ER, I started talking to God. I asked Him for help.
At first, I didn’t understand what I was asking or even how to ask. I didn’t understand that I was sinning. A lot. To sin is to transgress or violate divine law. God’s law. And God’s laws are all about loving God and one another. They’re all about being other-centered and not focused on power, self, and gain. They’re about humility and dying to self. They’re about life. I didn’t yet understand all of this, but I did know that living for me and focusing on myself, by trying to be my own god and inviting the spirit realm to side with me, was leading to darkness and ruin. I understood that I needed divine help.
I had gone to Sunday School as a child and I knew a couple of Bible verses. I knew John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” It turns out that’s the one Bible verse I really needed to know. Jesus is God, come to earth, to show us how we’re all meant to live. Humans, no matter our good intentions and noble plans, are unable of our own power and will to be true and to be right. We are flawed because of something that happened a long, long time ago when we thought we could do better for ourselves than the God who made all of heaven and earth ever could. It’s insanity. But it’s our way. So God came to be with us. To show us His character. To love us as we all truly need to be loved, because He made us for that love. Jesus. Fully God but also fully human. He took our sin and shame on Himself in order to reconcile us with God the Father, once and for all. This verse, John 3:16, tells us what we most need to know about who God is, and who we are to Him. Precious. Priceless. Beloved. He loved us enough to die for us. Every. Single. One.
What I had been doing, and the selfishness with which I was doing it, was deeply offensive to God. And it hurt those around me. But God’s love is unconditional and eternal. No one of us can boast this about ourselves or each other. But God can. God is referred to as the “great I AM.” Do you know why? Because He is who He is. Always. He isn't ever not himself. No human, other than Jesus, can make that claim. I am who I am as much as I can be, but sometimes I’m someone other than that. What I mean is, there is the "me" who is Sophie at her best, and then there are a number of other “me”s who show up when I’m hurt, when I’m sick, when I’m frustrated or angry. As much as I’d like to think I’m 100% dependable, kind, loving, forgiving, etc., I am none of those things all of the time. Neither are you. God IS. And He showed his love for me in countless ways, even as I continued to sin and deeply offend Him, going against His will for my life.
He showed His love by sending people to pray for me and to invite me to pray with them. He showed His love by settling His incredible peace upon me when I’d given up on ever feeling peaceful again. He showed me His love by sending people to lovingly, but firmly, show me that I was deceived. To care for me, lift me up, and be a family to me. He continues to do that, actually. And most importantly, like a good and loving parent should, God showed me His love by ever so tenderly beginning to peel back the layers of deception I had come to believe about myself over my lifetime. He then earnestly began the work of showing me who I really am. And this takes patience, people. So much patience. More patience than I or anyone reading this will ever be able to muster. God is so patient with our crazy. Believe this.
My testimony ends, then, in a much better place than it began. It ends with a lot of people praying for me. It ends with me asking Jesus to come close and Him performing a soul-rescue right then and there. It ends with me discovering, finally, that I have a God who loves me, who wants good things for me, and who is doing the work that I could never do, to heal my wounds and free me from bondage to anxiety and fear. He is doing what no self-help book, no crystals, no guru, and no person, can. We are all born with eternity and a desire for more in our hearts. We are made in God’s image. He made us for more. But what we need is more of Him. NOT more of ourselves.
I post this testimony not so that anyone will feel judged for things they have done or are doing. On the contrary, I post this so that you can see that whoever you are, wherever you’ve been and whatever you’ve done, you have a friend in Jesus. What’s more, you need Him. That itch that you just can’t scratch. That thirst that you can’t quench. That “better” that you endlessly chase, in myriad comforts, nicer things, travel, fitness, success, popularity, social media affirmation, technology, substance use, risk-taking, and any number of other possibilities, it won’t satisfy. It can’t satisfy. The reason enough is never enough is because each of us was made for eternity. And we get to choose if that eternity will be in the presence of the God of all creation, or if it will be in the presence of eternal suffering. I choose to surrender to the One who knows me more than I even know myself. He loved me enough to think the world needed me. And I need Him. Oh, how I need Him.
I had to let myself be brought very low indeed before I reached up and asked for help. I had to do it the hard way. Don’t be like me. If my words stir you even a little, please don’t try to distract yourself by clicking somewhere else or to numb that feeling out. If something in your soul is saying yes right now, please trust it. Don’t wait as long as I did. Look up, behold the One who holds you, and run into His arms. And if you need someone to come alongside you while you do that, call me.
I post this testimony so that, if you’re ready to let God do the heavy lifting, you will know you can simply do so. Right now. Acknowledge Jesus and your need of Him, and He will NOT let you down. Can you say that about anyone else? I post this testimony so that, if you’re in the New Age and you’re looking to get out, you will know that I am an ally who will pray for you and help you if I can. I post this testimony so that, if you are even just a little bit curious about learning more about Jesus, you’ll know you have a friend who will try to answer your questions.
I post this because God’s love IS FOR YOU. It is. He wants to give you LIFE. And you are NOT alone.
